Hello dear friends. It’s been awhile since I have had the time to blog, however now that midterms are over that is no longer the case and I will update more regularly (I hope).
Things here are going phenomenally. I have received my first grades back in almost every class I am taking, and I am happy to report that thus far all is going well. I’ve gotten the hang of juggling me work with the social time that I need for the most part and have spent a good amount of time hanging out with new friends, hanging around campus. I also managed to find an on-campus job to work in the mornings that over all is paid study time where I may sporadically spend a few moments sorting mail or making numerous copies of varied subjects for the English dept.
It is still very surreal to think that only a few weeks ago I was crying hysterically because I wouldn’t be able to do this college thing. Even more surreal is the thought that this time last year I was sitting in my house, studying for my SAT sure that college would be a breeze compared to the test.
Today is my birthday. My family came up here today to celebrate with me, and I am so very glad that they did. I really needed to just hang out with them and let them know that I had somehow survived the craziness of mid-terms. We opened presents, saw Fame, ate pizza, and had hot chocolate. It was quick (just under 5 hours), fun, and amazingly wonderful.
I wish there was more time for me to write tonight, but there isn’t. Therefore I shall say this and then conclude with my quote, Fame was awesome. Go see it. Parents, family, and friends, are more important and relaxing than TV is. Don’t take them for granted. Chocolate is good.
“I was so scared of everything you put in front of me. “ – The Almost: Amazing Because It Is
Hi All. I know that it has been a very long time since I have written anything for this blog. I apologize to all that have been waiting. Things here have been absolutely insane. I’ve turned in my first assignments in a few of my classes, and in others I am preparing for one of three exams that will make up my final grade.
It’s all really surreal, 24 days ago I sat here crying wishing I could just flee. I was so sure that I couldn’t be successful here, and yet of the assignments I have completed I have done well. I sat here with a certainty that I would be perpetually miserable, but instead I have made many friends all whom are very nice people.
Things still get hard, and I won’t lie that when they do get rough I still lean on my family, or yell at them…but success feels possible, and that feeling is something that I cannot begin to express the importance of.
So basically, things are good. I feel good. Classes, while challenging, are good. And I have no meaningful quote or lesson. It’s just…good.
Today was rough.
For the first time since I came here I didn’t want to go home just because. I wanted to go home for my family. Now, that might sound like the same thing…but it isn’t. In the past I have craved the comfort of my family, the fun, laughing, goofy comfort. In the past few weeks I have come to realize that their physical environmental impact may not be present but that that doesn’t mean that they are not here at all.
Today was different. For the first time since I have been here I wanted to go home because I was worried about them. My brother had a really crappy day. Life just decided it was time for him to deal with something really sucky. And well, he doesn’t do the most bang up job of being…stable.
I really didn’t know what to do. I wanted to run home to my lil bro and just hug him, but I was stuck here. To put it nicely, I didn’t react with much grace. I was having a bad day on top of all of that. It’s Monday. I have a whole ‘nother week of assignments, papers, reading, etc, and it’s all very overwhelming when your looking at your week to plan things out. I didn’t sleep well. The food is…meh.
A whole bunch of uncontrollable factors hit me at once and well, Twiny twin twin, I am SOOOOOO sorry I flipped out on you the way I did. I needed a shoulder to cry on and you greeted me with a refusal. I lost it. I’m so sorry. *Pouts*
It was a really challenging day but it was really good.
Oh. And so was my weekend. Finished work. Listened to music. Saw The Time Travelers Wife and I liked it, but I’m a major sap.
“Help I’m alive my heart keeps beating like a hammer.
Hard to be soft. Tough to be tender.”
Today’s quote comes from the Metric song Help I’m Alive. I think it’s a great metaphor for life and it’s challenges. You really have to work hard to get the results you want. Today’s lesson is that it’s harder to do sometimes.
PS. I'm not going to be posting on weekends. It's my only free time ya know!
To start things off, let me apologize for not posting yesterday. I fell asleep before I could finish my post.
Both yesterday and today ran pretty smoothly. Like all other days there were minor problems here and there, but for the most part Thursday and Friday were enjoyable.
I’ve been thinking a lot about self-confidence these last two days.
There are people with too much self-confidence wandering around. You guys know what I’m talking about, the guys who think they’ll just “get” chemistry without working at it.
There are people with the right amount of confidence, they know it will be hard at times but there sure they can handle it. ←If your one of these people…you don’t know how lucky you are.
There are the people that have no self-confidence. If anything they are sure they’ll fail. They think they suck.
Me. I don’t know where I stand. Sometimes I think I need to really evaluate my level of ability. Am I as good a public speaker as I think I am? Writer? Etc. But then there are times when I know I need to give myself more credit, like in history class.
The bottom line is, really I need to start believing and trusting that letting myself down is about not trying. How can you be mad at yourself for not being perfect? You’ll make yourself insane!
My advice. Take it one step at a time. Don’t try to plan every minute of everyday of the next four years. Think about the future, but remember that it is bound to change. And be okay with that because you can’t control everything.
“When all's said and done, all roads lead to the same end. So it's not so much which road you take, as how you take it.“
So. I locked myself out again today. I was really excited about some information I had gained from a senior on one of my professors, so I was talking to someone in the hallway and…my door closed…with my keys inside…and my RA was in class…so I had to call the public safety office. It was embarrassing.
Lesson one of the day: ALWAYS HAVE YOUR KEYS ON YOUR PERSON!
Other than that my day was really good. I’ve been scheduling myself really carefully and therefore had very little work to complete today. All of which I had time for thanks to my whole 50 minutes of class time today.
I spent a fair amount of time socializing, watching tv, etc, because I had the time to. It was fairly enjoyable.
Really other than locking myself out of my room the only bit of knowledge that I came across today was the realization of the epic time suck that is worrying. The thing is my history class is really annoying me. I just don’t really know how to prepare for this class, and because I am such a planner this causes me to worry about not adequately preparing for the class.
Only today did I realize just how stupid that is. So long as I do the best I can, try my hardest, and do it all without making myself insane, than I haven’t let myself down. Driving myself crazy isn’t going to get me a higher grade or help me, it’s only going to stress me out and upset me, so why do it?
Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow, it only saps today of its joy. ~Leo Buscaglia
So. Today wasn’t half bad.
I chose to look at this whole experience in a way that makes it seem a lot better. It’s shocking really, the new vantage point I have chosen. You probably won’t believe me when you hear it. Ready for this… I chose to focus on the GOOD parts of this. The education I’ll have, the friends I am making, my independence, the fact that I know a lot about self management on my own already, etc.
Another shocker here…it works. :D Today was really good. I got frustrated and annoyed at times, yes. But instead of getting hysterical and letting myself believe it’d be better if I were home, I let out the emotion. I voiced my frustrations when appropriate, and just accepted that sometimes life just sucks. Then…this one may actually shock you so sit down…I went and hung out with friends!
I’ve made a couple of really nice friends out here, and I’m excited to get to know them more. Also, I’ve found the gold at the end of the rainbow; people who like myself DO NOT want to go out around town after a long day of work. YES! Finally people who want to sit, eat, and watch movies/tv, read, or knit after a long day of classes!
Before I get to my final point let me say one more thing. Today someone in my class did something that really grates my nerves. There are many cultures in this world. They all do things differently from you. Sometimes you’ll disagree with them. You are allowed to voice this opinion. HOWEVER, it is NOTHING but RUDE and INCONSIDERATE to call someone stupid because you disagree with them, and it is much, much worse to assume that about an entire culture of peoples.
I guess what I’m really saying over all, is that your attitude affects how you perceive a situation. Do your best to stay positive in your attitude and suddenly things won’t seem so hysterically important, or catastrophic, or whatever.
Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference. ~Winston Churchill
I went home this weekend. It was really bizarre and strange but so wonderful at the same time.
My Mom picked me up around three. As I watched her walk towards me reality hit, she was really here and I could hug her, laugh with/at her, smile, cry, whatever, WITH her. She was real and in front of me. I realized how ridiculous that is because of course she was still alive, but for some reason I felt an overwhelming sense of relief when I saw her that I just couldn’t place before. It took me most of the weekend to figure out why.
Before I go on to that lets talk about the peculiar experience going home is. You pull up in front of your house and unload all your stuff—for me that was a lot because I brought most of my pants with me to school so I needed to bring clothes and laundry home with me. Then you walk into your own home, up to your room, and start unpacking with the knowledge that you need to repack later. Then you go rooting around the fridge looking for food to realize that you don’t recognize any of the leftovers.
Weird! SO WEIRD! This is YOUR house and suddenly you feel as if you know little about it. Sure the furniture and what have you is still all in the same place, but those little details are missing. Where did someone leave the remote? Where is the whisk? Little things.
It’s weird to get in bed and not have everything there. It’s weird to listen to fights about the last few days and not know what is going on. It’s weird for your parents to cater meals to your favorites; to purposely get movies YOU wanted to see, to even more so shower you with love because, just like you, they realize your leaving soon.
I learned two things from going home. The first is that there are pro’s and cons to both home and school. There are things that are good about both. School means scheduling yourself, not having to worry about if the little sibs can watch the tv show, and space in my case. Home means the people you love, the food you love, a real living room/ kitchen/ bathroom, and the people you love. Personally I am a bigger fan of HOME, but I’ll look on the bright side.
The other thing I learned dealt with those feelings I was having. Guys, I spent too much time this weekend feeling like an idiot. Your family is not moving on, they didn’t forget you, your not suddenly no longer a “real” part of the family. Your HOMW because the people you consider home to be with are there. Oh, and they didn’t DIE! They love you. They miss you. And they haven’t forgotten about you. Please! Don’t waste your precious time feeling lonely and sad because you don’t know why they’re fighting, laughing, etc. You’re only on the outside if you choose to be. You may not know every last detail, but that is okay because you still love them and they still love you.
Mom, I know your reading this. I love you. Thank you for pushing me even when I push back. Thank you for believing in me. And most of all, thank you for forcing me to realize that my life isn’t over just because I don’t know every part of your daily life anymore. <3
“Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly.” –Proverb
Today is bright side day.
Bright side!: If I get through today I can go home and get my first history reading done there where I will be less likely to burst into tears and give up. Thus setting my expectations for what next weeks reading will be like!
Bright side!: If I complete all of my Public Speaking reading and my notes I can focus on the subject I am struggling the most with!
Bright Side!: If I can get my reading for this coming week finished, I will be able to focus on the third week of reading, write my paper with breathing room, and stay ahead!
Bright Side!: I will see my family exactly 18 days after this weekend, then 9 days, and then another 9 days!
Bright Side!: I know my mother is proud of me for sticking this out even though I am having such a hard time. Making her happy makes me happy.
Bright Side!: I have God to get me through this.
Bright Side!: It’s only 4 years. Not a lifetime, even if that is how it feels right now.
Bright sides are so much easier to handle than sadness is. So, instead of focusing on the sadness I’m choosing to look towards the good part of this experience. I did a fairly decent job today. For the most part I was able to see the good in a hard and scary situation, and had a good day that, unlike the previous two, did not end with me crying.
“Clouds may come, but clouds must go, and they all have a silver lining. For behind each cloud you know, the sun, or moon, is shining.” – Author Unkown
I don’t have much time to write tonight. So I’m not going to write much.
Today was a day I thought was going to be wonderful…until I woke up with the worst stomach pains of my life. By 11:00am my stomach was doing better and I had my whole 50 minutes of class time to complete today. I had then planned to hang with a friend for a little while before going to do some text reading, but my stomach decided this was a very bad idea.
Sigh. I then tried to do some of my history reading. Now let me get this out there early. I don’t like ancient history. I like American History, I like modern history, I like most history that isn’t ancient history. I don’t like it because I don’t know how to make it interesting. I can’t sit in front of a desk with a history book and read a chapter, which is untrue for any other subject.
Anyways, back to the point. I opened my history book and began skimming and reading, note taking and all the other joys of schoolwork. And within I’d say a half-hour I was convinced this class was going to be the worst one of the semester. There are many reasons for that feeling, all of which I will not bore you with.
The point is—and the one many people have made to me today and in the past—there is always going to be something you just aren’t good at. Not everything is just going to make sense. Sometimes you have to work for it. I know I sound like a hypocrite, but honestly that’s good advice that everyone, including myself, should consider taking.
You are paying for college. Please! DO NOT WASTE YOUR TIME AND MONEY! Ask for help as soon as possible. Get your moneys worth, and in the end make your life a million times easier.
And once again, we're all going through a hard time. Some of us will do just fine from the get go. Others will need a lot more time. Either way find the emotional support you need as well. Mine has been getting one heck of a workout! :P
"If you are going through hell, keep going." - Sir Winston Churchill
Today was an utterly exhausting day.
To be completely honest with you guys’ homesickness sets in at some point everyday. Usually this happens late in the day when I am studying and missing the coziness of my house. After a long day of classes I have to sit in the worlds most uncomfortable chair and work. When I finally get hungry I have to scrounge around for decent food, not snacks, food. And sooner or later my horrendous chair cuts off the circulation to all my limbs. I hate my chair.
What happened today makes that all seem like unicorns, rainbows, and ice cream. I woke up to my homesickness this morning. I had a dream where I was home, and, well it’s like the shopping dream, you wake up thinking you have everything you want but in reality you don’t. I’ll admit it. I cried like a baby and called my mom.
Other stuff happened but it’s neither here nor there. I had classes later. And while they were interesting and engaging I couldn’t help but feel so overwhelmed. Where am I going to find time to do all of this without working all day everyday? I mean I know college is a lot of work, but they say to have some fun. I don’t know how I’m going to do that because right now I feel like the only thing I have time for is work.
On top of that some how I’m supposed to be doing work-study. Where the heck am I going to find time for work-study? Better yet how can I find work-study; my schools WS program sucks!
As if all that overwhelming crap wasn’t enough, labor day weekend is coming up in a few days and all my friends here, the ones that keep my mind off of my homesickness and make this an enjoyable ordeal, are all leaving to go home. That’s all anyone is talking about right now, how they can’t wait to leave Friday night or Saturday afternoon. Talk about full-blown upset. I wouldn’t be seeing my Mom, Dad, and siblings. I was miserable.
Now things worked out for me. After talking to my Mom it ends up that somehow I will be seeing them this weekend! But what I want to share with you guys is something my Dad said to me while I was on the phone with him—by the way Dad, best convo ever. You always know how to make me feel better. Same goes for everyone else in the family. He told me that he knew that I could do this. I could make it through freshman year.
I know that doesn’t mean much to you, so let me put it this way. Whether it’s your Mom, Dad, Grandparent, Aunt, Uncle, Sister, Cousin, or anyone else, related or otherwise, there is ALWAYS someone out there cheering for you. Remember to talk to them. Let them help you help yourself. And know that I think of all of you going through this same experience with me. Best wishes!
“Someone remembers, someone cares;
Your name is whispered in someone’s prayers.” –Author Unkown
- Tags:6, college, day, six
- Music:Pictures of You - The Last Goodnight